Saturday, 4 April 2015

A Short Article About Hats

Having taken legal counselling on the matter of George Galloway’s tweets towards Bradford Brewery I have written this short article about hats.

Look at this hat. I’m pretty sure it’s a fedora.

You know who looked cool as fuck in a fedora?

Frank Sinatra. He looked the fucking business.

"Suck it, baby, it's the Empire State Building"

You know who looks cool in a fedora right now, in 2015?


Yet people insist on wearing them.

"No hats. No workwear"

You know what doesn’t count as libel? Calling someone a fucking penis.

You can call me a penis as much as you want, and I can’t set my solicitor (a lethal combination of Droopy and Judge Dredd, by the way) after you because being a penis doesn’t defame me in the eyes of society.

So, without fear of reprisal, I can safely say that wearing a fedora in 2015 makes you look like a total, undisputable, fucking penis.

If a fedora was a sound it would be the Brown Noise, the mythical frequency that makes people shit themselves.

If a fedora was a beer it would be fucking Skol. Or Eiger. Remember Eiger?

The fedora of beers.

If a fedora was a contraceptive-

Wait, that’s not a good analogy. I imagine fedoras are an incredibly powerful contraceptive.

“He entered the room. His fedora sat proudly on his head. My vagina became an instant desert at the sight of it. I think my virginity grew back.  I leaped sexily out of the window”

- extract from the unpublished erotic novel “Confessions of an Epic Sex-Haver” by Emmanuelle de BangBang.

In summary fedoras are really really bad and Bradford Brewery seem like a cool bunch of folks. I’ve already asked them to sell their beer to my local because shy bairns get nowt. I look forward to drinking their beers very soon and you should totally follow them on Twitter like about seven million people have already done today.

You can leave your hat on.


  1. That book will sell loads with a title like that, sounds so very erotic. :D

  2. If you can't fight get a big hat, as me dear old dad used to say.

  3. "Sir, I salute your courage, your strength, your indefatigability that saucer of milk.